You cannae shove your Granny aff a bus

Ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus

Naw ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus

Naw ye canny shove yer grannie

Cause she's yer mammie's mammie

Ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus

I have started attending a lovely local baby group and at the end we gather and sing nursery rhymes, Today was the second time we sang "You cannae shove your Granny aff a bus" and today was the second time I tried to not cry in a room full of strangers.

The truth is I don't think I know how to grieve for my mum as I did so much grieving when she was alive. Where do you begin to process the loss of your mum when you have been losing her everyday since that diagnosis and possibly before.

Sometimes when I look back it's hard to remember the good times as there was no living well with dementia in my opinion. Yes there were good days and good memories but I have to be honest the battles we faced are sometimes way more prominent and that sense of anger will never leave me (let's not forget one of the biggest battles - Covid restrictions)

So how do I grieve for my mum now she is no longer here?

Text messages or phone calls from mum eventually stopped when she was alive, so I'm not all of a sudden missing them.

Shopping trips with mum eventually stopped when she was alive, so I'm not all of a sudden missing them.

Asking mum for advice evetually stopped when she was alive, so I'm not all of a sudden missing that.

The list could go on, but you get the picture.

I spent so many times in conversations where my heart would silently break when conversatons included talking about mums, especially with people who didn't know of mum's diagnosis, as I felt robbed of a relationship with my mum but I would put on a brave face as that's all I knew to do. Now I feel myself putting on that same brave face but sometimes feeling worse as I feel that the feeling hasn't changed.

I thought living grief was hard but this is worse as outwith not actually being able to see my mum and cuddle her I'm unsure about what has changed and that is the reality of Dementia.

Nothing can prepare you for the emptiness of trying to grieve for someone who is no longer here when you have spent so many years grieving each day they were living.