Bank Holiday Guilt

What an amazing weekend I have had spent with friends and family.

The sun has been out in full force and I've had two barbeques, I couldnt have asked for anything better.

Then why do I feel full of guilt?

The answer - I am still struggling with mum being in a nursing home - I know she is in fantastic hands but I just wish I could spend 24/7 with her and reassure her.

Mum was really good today actually, I am slowly taking up old pictures and talking about the memories and seeing what sparks emotion in her to take note for future visits. She engaged alot with myself and Andrew today as I spoke of old memories.

We spoke of mums shopping habit and how she would hide stuff in my room and we would say mums borrowing my clothes so dad didnt know she had been shopping again lol.

We spoke of how when shopping with mum you had be as fit as a marathon runner as she could pace the shops so fast she would leave you behind if you couldnt kepe up.

We spoke of how mum ended up in the same dancing as me after a work night out and embaressed me and Andrew.

We shared many more memories and mum seemed to enjoy hearing them. I asked mum at one point if I was speaking too much and she replied 'NO'

She was enjoying hearing these memories and was smiling a lot.

Then the inevitable came - mum started to cry and I hug and say 'I LOVE YOU' and she replies 'I LOVE YOU TOO'

It breaks my heart, I just want to protect her and reassure her.

I wonder if it ever gets any easier the transition to mum being at home and to mum being in a care home?

Does it get easier leaving your mum in the hands of strangers (they ofcoure will not be srangers anymore but they are relativly new strangers in our lives) who get to enjoy her company more than I do now?

The bank holiday guilt is creeping in when you have had such a good weekend and I cant help but wonder how mums weekend has been? I cant help but get jealous and angry of how different things could be if Dementia wasnt in mums life, I cant help but be angry that mums not organising a bank holdiay bbq for the family and how much she would love to be running about after us all.

Shes been robbed of the bank holdiay weekend fun.

I know we still had our fun, but its just noit the same and it NEVER will be.