It's OK to cry

Yesterday I cried, I cried a lot...

The past week mum has started a 'new' thing where she shouts out almost every 15 seconds it feels.

Sometimes it's someones name

Sometimes its just a noise

Sometimes its a mumble

Sometimes its so loud it hurts your ears.

We are in the middle of trying to figure out whats the cause.

You see mum is unable to speak or communicate with us now, so it's not as easy to know what is causing this. Yet she doesnt seem in pain and is still smiling and laughing inbetween what appears to be something she cannot control.

The tears started yesterday as I sat on the couch cuddling my mum shushing (if thats even a word) her whilst trying to calm her. All I could think was that is not how it should be, this is what I used to do my nephews when they were babies, why am I doing this to my mum at the age of 59????

Yet this didnt calm her, the shouts kept on coming. Sometimes she would shout Anne, her own name, and I wondered is this her feeling trapped in her own body/mind trying to break out? Silly i know but when there's no reasoning behind things you start to come to your own conclusions.

I looked at my mum as she lay in my arms, making these noises which appear to be uncontrollable on her part, wondering how she is feeling. Is she OK? How is this a way of life for her? How can I help her?

The answer is I can't. I can only do my best for her and sometimes that's maybe just not good enough.

The worst of the tears started when I saw the way my dad looked at my mum, put her hair to the side and just said 'Oh Anne' in such a sad way. His wife as he knew her is no longer there and he also doesnt know how to help her when situations like this happen.

I can cope with my own hurting I do over mum as when I have had a difficult day I get to come home to my husband and be 'normal' again. What I can't cope with is the thought of dad feeling lonely and just looking at his wife and missing her so much as nothing can bring her back.

Its funny, if you re-read that last paragraph you would be forgiven for thinking that mum had passed away. Dementia sometimes feels like that, you do a lot of mourning for a person who is still living in front of your very eyes but every day is slowly disapearring.

So yeah I cried alot yesterday, for mum and for dad. I wish I knew how to fix things, I can network and blog as much as I can but nothing is going to rewind time and bring mum back.

The scary thing is, its only getting to worse.